A Little Journey of What Made Me
15 years ago
I would like to tell you a story. Something I don't normally share publicly before.
15 years ago today (12th May 2002), I was the happiest boy around. I went on my first date ever, first time holding hands with a girl, first hug, and of course; first kiss! I'm sure most of you know what it felt like the first time around; Exciting and unforgettable! But then 6 months later, she died of a chronic illness.
I was sad, sure, but the thing is, I made a series of stupid mistakes prior to her death and thus, I was left with guilt. Apparently, the feeling of regret eats you up from the inside a LOT more than loss or sadness. It broke me. I was clinically depressed for a few years after that, emotionally unstable and socially awkward. The problem was nobody around me knew the symptoms. East-Asian culture is weird at that. They think all psychiatric patients are the same: crazy, screwed and need to be locked up in a mental hospital. No wonder there are a lot of stressed people here who don't seek help. They expect you to just swallow it, forget it. Easy.
And that's what I did. I hid behind smiles and jokes. But I was hanging by a thread there. One emotionally frustrating situation, I could flip like a crazy dog. Ugh. Not my proudest moment.
In case you're wondering, my family was never in a position to help, because it's kinda broken as well. And my mum made me aware the extent of the damage the SAME YEAR that this whole thing happened, like a one-two punch to my mental health at the time.
Not until years later that I learn a bit of things about psychology that I can finally recognise what it was. So many years wasted with alcohol, a bit of drugs, but I got better since then. Now my smiles and jokes are genuine, not a mask! I find a lot of things that makes me feel better like art, music instruments, and lately; tattooing and fitness. I declare myself cured of it, but like all wounds, it left a scar.
I'm never the same person since then. I find myself more aware to people's state of mind, including myself. Everything is more amplified now. When I'm happy, I cherish the moment. But I'm more prone to become super sad too. not the tough guy I used to be, but that is not completely a bad thing, I think.
Last month, I have also just lost a dear friend, again, out of a disease. But this time, I have no guilt, just sadness. To think that I always talk to her about everything..
And don't get me started on this political ridiculousness in Indonesia. It's so absurd, it made it to international news. I have these rules about talking about politics and religion online, because it breeds hate. Let's just say that the situation makes half the country really sad.
However, there is this girl I met here on DeviantART (of all places!)
I'd like to think she gives me this extra strength and positive energy, even if she replies soooooo sloooooowwww...
I hope I can meet her one day ^_^
Thank you for reading something unimportant such as this. It's quite a big deal for me to write this (don't know where else to write, I don't have a blog. Facebook is filled with cat videos now. Nobody there cares anymore).
Every 12th of May each year I think about this heavily, but it's been so long, I think it's time I need to be more open about it, like what psychologists would recommend. C'est la vie. Let it be an experience to let me be a better person.
I need a hug